Currently Fearless By Taylor Swift see related

Hi my name is...uh...?

So I really don't know who I am anymore. I used to know exactly what my beliefs were, how I would act around other people, and who my friends were. I don't know anymore. I can't decide what I believe in. My morals are breaking. My friends are leaving. If this is growing up then I don't blame Peter Pan one bit; who wants this?

I don't know what to do. I can't figure out what "acting my age" is. I can't seem to make new friends. I'm so afraid of people lately, that's not me. I'm normally a social, nice, fun person. I'm typically odd, but that's okay, it added to my charm. Now, I'm just awkward and shy. What happened? Furthermore, I realized something rather astounding as well; I don't know what my type of guy is anymore. Like, if I walked into a room full of guys, I wouldn't know which ones interest me. I've been so, so wrapped up in my boyfriend, I think I'm losing what makes me myself. I don't know anything about me. I don't think I could HONESTLY answer a single question about myself. Like my favorite color...my favorite food...my favorite movie. Sure, I can put it in general terms, give you maybe 3 or 4 options...but I can't pinpoint it.

I can generalize who I am. I can operate as various personalities. But that's not really pinpointing who I am.

I never, ever imagined myself being a shy, quiet girl. So what the hell happened? I never thought I'd be so...voiceless and silent. My boyfriend and I almost broke up for good about a month ago. My friends told me I am the strongest person they know. I don't think I deserve that title. Not at this rate. I would love to deserve that name; I possibly used to deserve that name...but not now. Not as I am.

I used to be able to tell people my opinion. I used to participate in class and be really decent at reading aloud and presenting. Now my voice breaks and my body shakes. No rhyme intended. At first, I only felt physically fearful of public speaking. Now, I actually don't like it. I don't like public speaking mentally now. What happened to all the leadership skills I'd been building up for so long? What happened to the strong little girl my incredibly strong and fierce mother inspired and raised? Where is she and why did she leave?

I don't know what's wrong with me...and I don't know what to do about it. All I can think is, I'm never going to succeed in my choice of a career path at the rate I'm going. I need to be strong, confident, and fearless. I need to find myself...and until then I have no clue who inhibits my body.

Currently Listening Emotion Is Dead By The Juliana Theory see related

I'm not okay. I have a lot to sort out. Admitting it is the first step.

Lately I don't know,

What to think.

How to act.

Who to trust.

Everything is just like I'm watching from a far off place.

I try to change things and I can't,

Like watching your favorite character die on your favorite show.

I'm so set on being happy no matter the situation.

Maybe you're failing this class, but you're happy.

Maybe you don't look how you want, but you're happy.

Maybe you don't act how you want, people don't treat you the way you want, you aren't doing what you want...but you're happy.

Who's joking who here? It's okay to be unhappy, every now and again.

Stop pretending, you're sad just let it out.

You're holding it in and it's tearing you apart.

It's not okay to be a fake, and sweetie, maybe you just need some TLC.

When you're unsure.

When you're confused.

You're lost.

You need a crutch, you can't do it all on your own.

"I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do ya' know what that means?"

You do, good, you've proved it. Now let your guard down!

You're pushing people you love away.

That's not okay. You're not okay.

Believe it.

Stop denying it.

You're sad, you're sad.

Let it out.

Stop being strong!

Stop being tough!

Be weak, sensitive, vulnerable.

It's okay...that you're not okay.

Admit the unadmittable. Get it off your chest.

You've got friends, don't underestimate them.

They are there. They'll help. Give it a chance.

You will survive, everything will be okay.

I know you're trying to put on a face,

But it's not yours and that's not okay.

I know you're trying, to be helpful

I know you're trying, to be supportive.

You're trying to seem untouched by everything.

You haven't let anything out in so long

This is just a start.

Please talk to someone.

Please release yourself, relieve your thoughts.

Don't get stuck in your head.

You've got to come out of there someday.

I'm not doing what I should be doing.

I'm not at the standards I should be meeting.

And it's the first time for me.

I'm scared.

What does this mean? What if I can't do it? What if?...What if?

How do I deal with failure? I can't stand it. I want to break down, but there's a crowd.

I don't want an audience.

I don't know what to tell you.

You're happy. I don't know how I feel.

Lately, I don't know who I am.

I think I should sort that out.

I don't want to hurt you

But I need to find myself before I can find someone else.

I can't help you if I can't help myself.

Is that okay?

Please don't stray too far away.

But I don't want this again.

And I think it was a spur of the moment.

And I don't want THAT again.

I'm sorry.

To everyone who needs to hear it:

I am truly sorry.

-X-

Wow this is lame.

Currently Listening For Never & Ever By Kill Hannah see related

Brain Damage

You're the surgeon with no degree.

You're the one to push the decree.

Well you're stabbing around

And now I've got brain damage.

So open up my skull and spit your words.

Take control, mother dearest, take control.

So open up my skull and spit your words.

Mother, take control!

So there's no way you didn't leave a mark

No way that after all these years my brain is the same.

There's no possibility for me to be sane.

You gave me brain damage.

I'll try to behave while I'm locked in the cave.

But wait till I get out, cause that's when you're really gonna shout.

Maybe I'll mingle with the wrong singles.

And cause a scene or five.

Anything to feel alive.

Let me out.

So open up my skull and spit your words.

Take control, mother dearest, take control.

So open up my skull and spit your words.

Mother, take control!

I'm going to leave you.

It's just the truth.

You're going to deal with my absence

With destructive roots.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

What happened to me?

I'll never go ballistic over spilt milk

I'll never cause brain damage over ripped silk.

Grow up!

So open up my skull and spit your words.

Take control, mother dearest, take control.

So open up my skull and spit your words.

Mother, take control!

Get a hand on me, I'll completely run.

Get a hand on me, your days with me will be done!

You made me brain damaged.

I can't be sane with this brain, it's not the same.

So stab, stab, stab at the nerves!

Rip, rip, SLICE at the senses.

My brain waves are dropping.

And soon there'll be nothing left.

You left me brain damaged.

I am nothing left.

-X-

Currently Listening Even If It Kills Me By Motion City Soundtrack see related

Take a tip from my age:

...Optimism is the key to survival.

No matter the situation, be the optimist. Not the annoying one, but the one who doesn't lose faith. I've realized, as long as you think of the positives, you can achieve almost anything. The problem with people is they dwell on the negative "what ifs" or "coulds" it never even crosses their mind that there are positive "what ifs" and "coulds". I'm not going to lie, I just realized this myself. I mean, I always try to be a positive person when it comes to problems, but lately I've been thinking...if I do this, that bad thing is going to happen. Or if I say this to him, he's gonna think this bad thing. Well, what if...I do this and that amazing thing happens. Could I say something to him and it ends up great?

I think that IF I did, it COULD be great. Positive thinking. I'm a positive thinker.

I'm worried, no doubt. I'm not going to explain the situation. But I'm worried about losing what I have now. I'm worried, if I do make this move, things are going to change. I'm worried that the drama will drive me crazy. I'm worried people will take it the wrong way. I'm scared of how I could change as a person if I make this move. I'm scared of the pressure. I'm scared because I've made such a big deal of it all, once it's done and over with...there's nothing left to be excited about. I'm scared because I've put him on such a pedestal...I've built him up so big...and I know there's no human being alive that is like that. I know that isn't him. I know he's bad for me. I know it's not the smart move and I know my family would be disappointed if they knew it all. I'm scared because I know all of this, and I still don't care.

Remember, keep being positive...haha.

-X-